Fourteen Years
by Elayna Fournier
Summary: Letting go and embracing life afterwards is harder than saying good bye.


Fourteen Years

It was a dark day, rain falling to the ground. Pitter patter, pitter patter. It fell to the grass, which was in dire need of rain. The usually lush environment had turned to harsh brown over the past fourteen years. Sure it rained, but it always rained in England. Any lack of rain, therefore, was shocking. But it was raining now. And not only did it rain, but it poured. Rain fell from the sky like tears fall from a baby's eyes. Not a soul was outside. Well, except for one. One person, one strange person, was outside.

Remus Lupin stood with his arms outstretched, head towards the heavens. His eyes were closed tight and he slowly spun in a circle, embracing the world around him. Embracing his own self and what he was. Embracing the facts and reality that were continually haunting him. Embracing the pain that he was feeling and holding inside.

As he stood there, time rushed by. Time. Something to be feared yet embraced. Time was a race. Something that Remus realized too late. Time was something to not be taken advantage of. Something Remus realized too late. Time was something to be carefully guarded and taken care of. Something they had all realized too late.

James was gone. James had been gone. Sirius was gone. Sirius had been gone. Peter was gone. Peter had been gone. They had all been gone. For fourteen years Remus had lived without them. Fourteen years. Fourteen years of believing a lie. Fourteen years of pent of anger, pain, and loss.

James, the one who had been so strong on so many different levels. He had led them. Many strengths and passions dominated his life. And he was gone. With only a few simple words, James's life had been cut short. Cut short tragically, painfully. Cut short by a cruel twist of faith, by a misplacement of trust. Cut short by a mere flick of a wand.

Sirius, the one who thought of the impulsive ideas. He stood beside all of them loyally until he had to choose. Opinionated and rash, he brought color to the group. And he was gone. With a quick flash, Sirius had been caged, placed behind bars, held. Sirius didn't like being held. He liked being free, like the birds who flew in the spring. Sirius was too carefree to be held like that. But maybe it was only in death that he could be free. That didn't comfort the left behind though.

Peter, the one who supported whoever was strongest. He was the one who annoyed many but was loved by all. Weak and not overly intelligent, he always sided with whoever could protect him. Perhaps he was the smartest of all of them. To choose the victor before he has won, to know when to just lie down and accept what you cannot change…perhaps he was smarter than they give him credit for. What did it matter at that point? He was gone, and in the worst possible form as well.

All that remained was Remus Lupin. And perhaps he wasn't all there either. Well, the old Remus was gone. Remus, who ran free with his friends, who was serious, yet still had fun. Remus had been gone for a while too. About fourteen years really.

And so he stood outside in the rain. Spinning softly, embracing the world and all its evils. Saying good bye to his last of friends. Sirius…he was gone. He had so much life left…so much living that he had to do. Yet he was gone. His life cut tragically short by fate. First Azkaban and now….death.

_"But he's free_," Remus reminded himself as he spun, trying to convince himself that this was what was supposed to happen. That didn't stop the bitterness, though.

Sure, Sirius may be free, but what about Remus. He was left behind. He was left behind to go on his own, to be strong, to hold together on his own. Remus wasn't the strong one. James and Sirius were. And they had both left him before. Fourteen years ago.

Remus sighed and stopped spinning, slapping his wet arms against his side. It wasn't fair. Why was he still alive? Why were his best friends gone and not him? What had he done that was so terrible that he had to remain behind in agony?

Tears streamed down Remus's face as he collapsed to his knees on the wet, brown grass. He entwined his fingers into the grass, pulling tight, until his knuckles turned white.

"Why Sirius?" he cried loudly, face uplifted to the heavens. "What have I done? It's not fair! He spends a little less than half of his life in Azkaban and then-and then-and then….and then you just take him? How is that fair? It's not!"

With each word, his heart broke a little bit more. Yet with each word, the patches of his frayed life were healed and put back together. With each heaving sob, Remus let his pain be revealed. He embraced his pain and let it go.

As he knelt, the rain fell around him. It watered the dry, brown grass that was in desperate need of water.

The rain wore away the brownness in the grass and the hollowness in Remus's heart. The rain cured things that had been on the verge of death. Remus stood up again, slowly and unsteadily. For a moment he just stared around, watching the rain fall to the ground. Pitter patter, pitter patter. Then slowly, he outstretched his arms and turned his face to the heavens. Oh the almighty heavens. Gently, he spun around in circles.

He spun, slowly and surely, embracing the world around him. Embracing the many lost lives. Embracing his friends and all that they had stood for, and still stood for. Freedom, beauty, and love.

James stood for freedom. He fought for it until his last. He fought for the freedom of his wife and son, fought for the freedom of his best friends, and fought for the freedom of an entire unsuspecting population. He fought for freedom so that all who were not free would have the hope of a free future.

Sirius stood for beauty. In every aspect of his life, he had fought for beauty. The beauty that could be found in every little detail, whether it was considered insignificant or not. He fought for the beauty that would forever elude the world should Voldemort's evil take over.

And love? They both stood for love. The way they loved their friends, the way they loved their world. The way they loved their beliefs and fought for them. Voldemort stood against love. They used it to fight against him.

As Remus spun slowly, he embraced these characteristics. He hoped that these characteristics would become his own. He embraced it all. Fourteen years he had held it all in, seeing it as an unnecessary burden. Now he was letting it go. Yes, he would always think of the people who had shaped his life, but one cannot live in the past. So he let them go, sadly, but surely. And as the rain fell around him, he spun. He spun in complete bliss, the world around him vanishing. And the rain fell to the ground. Pitter patter, pitter patter.

A.N. Um…I'm not sure how that was, honestly. I'm kinda…confused. But…if you would kindly review, I would very much appreciate it. This is a one shot, so don't expect any more. Thank you for reading.


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